g4chavi的部落格

Yesterday, I was talking with a friend of mine about her concerns. I reflected how I felt of my past and what I have been through. Meanwhile, the reflection also helps me to review my past suffering. I was ever a timid person, and do not know how to be strong and independent enough. Yet, I do not even notice when I have changed, which makes me to review how I made such a change. Therefore, the first changing point I would recall is that I start to develop one hobby and maintain it consistently; such as, daily exercise (running, stretching, or walking), creativity performance (drawing, writing and designing) or setting small challenges; etc. I developed one hobby of 30 mins stretching exercise as my daily simple target whilst I was 14 years old; then I maintain it over years. Now I set up another challenge though I was not keen to, which is to run 30 mins or 2 miles walking daily. So far this challenge has been 4 months. Though I still view this target as a challenge, I continue to work out on a regular basis. My intention is to convert this challenge to be a daily habbit.
Also, it is important to be self-disciplined. The first thing I requested myself is saying ‘NO’ to myself in making of excuses, such as: "I am not bothered because I am not in the moods." or "I can't make I because I am not capable of maintenance” or “I am not going to make it." Refusing my own excuses is the first responsibility and reaction I would seriously adapt. Since there is no excuse, there is always something to work on. (Well, driving others to achieve the goal is easier than driving ourselves to reach the target. If we are the model to make someone learn after us, we need to be strong.) Although I do not know how others would view the relations of perseverance and achievement, I am aware that I would find myself gaining sense of achievement as long as I make an effort on maintaining a hobby consistently and continuously. The feeling of "disability" or "failure" could be overcome gradually. In other words, it is more like having the power in controlling my will to perform a task and face the challenge, such as daily exercise or other kind of hobby, etc.

今天去了學校，原本計畫是跟Gunce去咖啡廳聊是非，分享研究心得，臨時加入了也是同Paul（註一）的學生Essam，結果跟Gunce啥也沒聊到，倒是Essam的話挺多，要Gunce幫忙看一下他的研究。結果花了一堆鳥時間看他從別人身上拿到的Merge資料，利用一個質分析的分析方法來作分析研究；聽Gunce說Essam走的是ICT（Information & Communication Technologies）在Community Education的運用，可是讓我不能瞭解的是，為什麼他拿的是別人資料又是搞非關於他的專屬研究範疇，反成研究質分析的分析領域，而非他自己專業所學。我想這就是念博士過程中一段迷途與掙扎，常常迷失自己，不知道自己研究到哪地步，或是研究走著走著、不知不覺地深入到其他領域去了。
過去我也曾一度迷失在電腦科技裡頭的溝通科技領域，老師突然一句話打醒了我，說了句：「總不能在商管研究走科技專業吧？」這句話澆醒了我，也讓我又回歸商管正途，重回商管企業結合的領域。每次看別人的研究，看別人的期刊，都覺得滿心讚嘆，覺得大師說的話果然是令人表以贊同；結果反觀自己的研究報告跟寫法，頓時覺得全身無力，自己用詞用語是一派胡言、一團垃圾──Crap，缺乏強力的理論支撐。之後沈溺研究相關主題時，因好奇使然，過度研究相關他人而非關自己的領域，卻失了準頭；出航的大船，似乎拋錨在一團迷霧中的荒洋中。我想在研究的過程中，或許就是會有種無法自拔的投入，深陷其中，毫無自我主張；即使是獨立思考能力，似乎也圍繞在迷霧中打轉，不見航艦行駛於預設軌道上；或許這是博士研究過程中的一大吊詭處。

今天跟老闆（註一）Meeting又是一場勝利的戰役。其實跟老闆開會也沒什麼好擔心緊張的，就是把這一兩週分析過程跟細節說明一下，老闆順便會提出內容細節質疑，讓雙方釐清問題，其實都算是很普通的每周Meeting，主要是細節部份跟老闆談的挺籠絡，自己也相當開心。

不知道是對兩性關係的不信任，或是家庭因素與成長環境背景的影響，向來對婚姻制度從不怎麼起勁，近期聽到不少朋友提起對婚姻的希望與失望；（當然並不是每人都是失望，只是失望的因素令人怯步。）對「婚姻」二字更是會不由自主的打冷顫，因而對邁入婚姻關係這個步驟感到大大的恐懼，幾乎是沒有嚮往的想像空間，更別提什麼生兒育女的期盼。但是看著身邊的朋友們步入婚姻後，生活依然幸福，我倒是為他們能在婚姻關係下快樂而快樂，而自己就置身事外的態度來看待這結合兩人世界的鏈接關係。
從小看著父母的關係起起跌跌，自己看著兩個不同世界、背景、階級、思想的人在生活上結合，也是衝突的開始。隨著年紀與經驗的成長，開始懂得怎麼分辨現實與理想，逐漸瞭解每個人的獨特性與獨立性，進而瞭解尊重別人與面對自己；就看著父母從過去到現在的互動關係，自己也慢慢瞭解，人與人之間相處的問題是比要解開死結的步驟還來得複雜，也是因此對兩人世界的期盼低落且逐漸躲避。倘若兩人之間初期的認知世界有所落差，與後期成長，卻沒來的及平衡與齊頭並進，那麼要維持一個和諧關係就是一個難題，協調兩人間的緊張又是一門學問。

你的結果如何呢？細節公佈在意見回覆欄裡頭。
Ｌ小姐和Ｍ先生是一對戀人，兩人隔河而居，那條河不寬，也不闊。有一天，Ｍ先生得了急病，Ｌ小姐知道了心急如焚，但是那一天出現了暴風雨，河水暴漲，風急雨勁，Ｍ先生叫她不要去探望他，可Ｌ小姐還是要不顧一切去他。

不知道自己是草莓族的抗壓程度（一壓即爛），還是真是壓力過大，念博士這三年下來，專對一個問題感到特別敏感：「啥時畢業？」基於大家的關心，其實我也不瞭解我自己啥時可以畢業。（或是我可以說說，就今年底囉！）聽到這問題時，脾氣總容易上來，作研究得一步一腳印，快不得也急不得。若碰上的是長效性時間的觀察研究，那就是跟時間漫步而行了，日子過一天就是一天，研究步調的快慢，還得配合時間的消逝。還好我只是短期蒐集過程，不至於到長效時間觀察研究。
接下來就是針對一些不瞭解研究的親友作些說明，作博士研究跟小學生讀書是不同的；不是時間一到，周考、期考、月考，考試通過就畢業，也不是架構在不同短期的課程案例研究。博士研究的主題是一個長遠的企劃推論，也就是說，並非如簡單數學運算公式，一加一等於二，或是有任何絕對值加持，數值結果都為正值。若是這麼簡單，研究光每天躺著也可以出結果，然後時間一到，當文抄公寫寫報告，就拿畢業證書，開香檳慶祝了。

近來老失憶、又健忘，忘了一些人名、物名與地名。過去的記憶，混亂地像是朝代替換、文化交錯、中西合併；不知道自己是處在五代十國，還是五胡亂華，亦或是八國聯軍，就單單一個字，便可清楚說明───亂、亂、亂，像是打了個陀螺，在腦袋瓜裡轉呀轉地。片段的記憶拼湊，像是拼圖上的塊數老是配不上底板的大小範圍。張三配李四、王八配烏龜、芝麻配綠豆；思緒呈現看似有理，實為無知，亂七八糟，雜亂無章；也沒辦法來個亂中有序，混亂中見真章的本領。做事情老是丟三落四、東拼西湊，不知道是年紀稍長，還是作研究過程的患病徵兆，似乎都得歷經這段在這渾沌世界中找頭緒。
有幾個搞科學的朋友給建議說：「睡眠缺乏，作息失調。」，也有鑽研哲學的朋友說：「燒香拜佛收驚去，把自己的元神、三魂七魄統統歸位。」；還有調查藥學研究的朋友說：「吃個維他命丸，保證低能變全能、蠢材變天才。」，我自己喃喃自語，嘀咕的說：「香蕉芭樂，真他Ｘ的天曉得！」。大概是最近認真向上、廢寢忘食，就差沒懸樑刺骨來提振精神，讓自己像是７－１１便利商店，２４小時全年無休；腦袋轉得像是閃爍霓虹燈，一刻也不得閒，無閒暇可言。真可說是用腦過度，就怕精神耗弱；我看「腦新」（註）來也沒能發揮多少功效，看來是難伺候了。

Well, it is another dream of an attempted suicide yesterday. I was a woman in a black veil covering myself all. The appearance of mine in the dream was in dark brown long hair and green eyes. That is all I can tell through the reflection of the lamp glass. It was like a deep and long hall way in the underground where I do not know where I am really located. I saw different kind of people walking pass me in a solemn countenance, and looking at me apathetically. The passenger were wearing some tattoo style mask and appeared in an insentient attitude as if I were the intruder.

難得英國的夏天可以是無雲的天空，每次搭飛機回英國，都可以在天空看到厚厚的雲層遮蔽英國，幾乎是很難有機會看到綠色英國的一面。今年的英國夏天真的是熱，應該是我來英國五年來最熱的一個夏季吧！可能今年的寒冬帶來暖夏，記得去年的六月底還下雪（雖然今年的五月還下雪），不過天氣變化之大，讓人無法置信的溫暖。我也戴起了遮陽帽（來英國第一次戴遮陽帽）與太陽眼鏡，烈陽高照下，眼睛就老睜不開。今年可爽的了，穿著短袖出門感受一下夏季的威力；由衷的希望今年的夏天可以久些，至少讓我暫時遠離外套與厚襪的麻煩日。

I am the type of person who enjoys the beauty of ocean. I still remembered my scuba-diving in Hawaii, which was a fantastic experience to see the water world. Although I do not have a chance to visit Hawaii again after such a long time, I still could recall the blue green ocean and the magnificant view, which is so vivid in my mind. Also, I was so impressed and it was so surprising to join the fish group and play with them. (Well, not the shark type of fish!!!) I remembered the first step into the ocean and walk on the rock carefully to experience various kinds of fishes passing me. It was so natural and so lovely. I hope there is another scuba-diving chance and see the ocean world again.